APEBOX.ORG

FOR THE ATTENTION OF:

David Cameron MP
Witney

Monday 11 September 2006
Jo Shields
41 The Springs
Witney
Oxon
OX28 4AJ

directhex@apebox.org

Dear David Cameron,

It seems the current government has been working hard to prevent impossible people (http://www.craigmurray.co.uk/archives/2006/08/the_uk_terror_p.html) from doing impossible things (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/08/17/flying_toilet_terror_labs/) though the exciting phenomenon known as Airport Security Theatre.

As a fairly frequent traveller, I have some suggestions for how the process could be improved, without in any way changing the effectiveness at preventing terrorist bombings:

• Airport Security Mime Art – Security personnel should be trained on the correct ways to mime "TATP", "Hydrogen Peroxide", "Acetone", and "Sulphuric Acid", and wear the traditional mime artist outfits, to delight and entertain passengers as they wait to have their bags searched for highly explosive baby milk.
• Airport Security Pantomime – Involve the long queues of disgruntled passengers with screaming children. Point at the man in the turban, and shout "He’s a terrorist!", to an enjoyable chorus of "Oh no he isn’t!" "Oh yes he is!". Fun for the whole family.
• Airport Security Show-tunes – I strongly feel that when dark-skinned travellers speaking in funny foreign languages are being evicted from their flights, that they would feel considerably happier if the airport personnel were singing happy songs from the latest Theatreland productions, such as “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” (http://www.avenueqthemusical.co.uk/homepage.php)

I hope that these proposals to raise the profile of the hard-working staff in Britain’s airports can be mentioned at the next meeting of parliament.

Yours sincerely,

Jo Shields, concerned resident & jet-setter